There are so many expressions that I adore and that I come back to again and again. Many times I feel guilty for letting one go for a while to be able to dive into the other.
Writing is my first love, yet I don’t share the vast majority of what I write. This is something that I approach little by little, trying out how it makes me feel to share my thoughts. Many times my writing is just that, me thinking. To lay out my thoughts line after line helps me understand and get perspective. In most cases my writing is so very private it belongs to me only. At the same time I know that what is unique to each and every one of us oftentimes is universal as well.
Photography is very close to my heart, but I have gone though a couple of years where I have taken very few pictures. My inner dialogue was awful and so pushed away my initial reaction “That is so beautiful, I need to capture it” and so I did not even try, which made me feel worse. Because every time I did not I lost something. That negative voice got right and grew stronger, so when I did try it said all bad things to me, trying to convince me it was not worth it. Now I am turning it around and I am rediscovering my archives. I am not as bad as my negative side convinced me I was.
Both writing and photography have been a way for me to immortalize reality, the beauty of every day to day life. Because life and the people I share it with are forever fleeting, changing, passing, passing away, I have desperately searched for ways to make them stay, last, be.
Drawing is a way to filter reality through myself, affect it and make it a mirror of myself and the current state that I am in. It is also a practice of learning how to translate a three dimensional reality into two dimensions on a sheet of paper. I adore the problems that occur, to focus on them for hours, to try to solve something as concrete as how to create a shadow transition or the direction of a line.
Painting is close to drawing. I adore oil paint as a material, how it changes texture over time, becomes thicker. Painting is composition and direction of shapes, it is colors interacting with each other, it is the subject chosen as well as the gesture of the brush strokes. What I also love about painting is that you don’t have to be good to do it. Every one has a different style, and no matter if you are good technique wise or not you can paint. It doesn’t matter what you paint or how you paint as long as you paint.
“(…) no matter if you are good technique wise or not you can paint. It doesn’t matter what you paint or how you paint as long as you paint.”
Now with my Industrial Design studies I am introduced to new mediums. I have been very analogue up until this point, and I don’t understand how I have escaped Photoshop all these years. It is an accomplishment in itself. 😉 Additionally, there is three dimensional modeling in Rhino and rendering in KeyShot, Illustrator and InDesign. Moreover, it is building things, learning machines and materials and a way of thinking on how to most efficiently achieve your desired result.
“(…) not choosing is causing more anxiety than choosing does.”
All mentioned above makes time disappear for me, which in my opinion is a sign that this is what you are destined to do. But the haunting thoughts that I have to choose, to spend more time on one thing to get really skilled at it, comes in and makes me go into a sort of panic. I know I need to prioritize and focus better. I need to know each role of these interests of mine. I need to be clear with myself. Because now the performance anxiety creeps in and takes over. It is paralyzing. I have been longing to paint for months, but it is already end of July and I have not started yet. I have been fixing around the house of course and that takes time. In my notebook I have a long list of projects I want to do but I don’t know if I should choose ‘should’-projects or ‘mere joy’-projects. I know I will grow from both, all will contribute to my path but I am scared to choose because I don’t want to waste time and regret my choices. But not choosing is causing more anxiety than choosing does. At times I get stuck in my mind and have difficulty to begin. I need to snap out of this.